today is father’s day and while my father is not physically here to celebrate it, he is in my heart and i think of him fondly. i wish he was alive to see the person i am today. dad, i am much different than you remember me, but i promise i would make you proud.. i think you’d be happy to see the life i am about to build for myself.
in atmosphere’s song “yesterday” he raps about his dad who passed away and there is one line that resonates with me clearly: “leaving me was the best thing you ever taught me”. i would give anything to have you back - no, i would have given anything for you to not be taken away from us. but this line is so true because after you passed away, i was forced to grow up and do things i would have never dreamed of while you were alive. our whole family, not just me..
mom is fine on her own, she struggles every now and then, but she has made a home for herself and is okay financially, something we would have never thought possible. my sisters are doing alright and even erica is starting to get used to adult life, something i worried about tirelessly after you left. and me, dad, i am joining the military and that is something that never even crossed my mind until recently. i can’t find myself, dad, i had and still have a hard time finding who i am and what my purpose is.
i need direction, i need discipline, i need something to guide me. you’re not here for that. you were always so wonderful at that. you always kicked my butt into gear and helped me realized my true potential. you’re gone and you have been gone and i have been so utterly lost. i feel like i’m in a dream that is a nightmare a quarter of the time. what was i to do?
i took my life into my own hands, and who knows if i made the right decision - not only in regards to the military, but in regards to any facet of my life. all i can do is hope that i took the right path at the fork in the road.
but, if there is anything positive about you passing, it is that you taught me the ultimate lesson, and that is to trust myself. to listen to my gut. that is the only thing i have. ever since you left, all i had as a guide was myself. and so, leaving me may have been the best thing you ever taught me.
i wish you didn’t have the death you did have. i wish you could have gone quietly and painlessly, left our earth like an old leaf blows away from the tree. but it was like you were being forced to leave and you fought so hard to stay with us. and i would do anything to have you back, even for just a moment. but your role on earth is done. your role as a husband, father, brother, son, and friend had reached the last page, and just like a good book that you don’t want to end, you left us.
i can’t find the words to express how grateful i am to have had you as a father. nothing could express that capacity of love and compassion i have for you. i see you in myself daily and i hear it all the time - you look so much like your dad. that is what keeps me strong: knowing you are in my heart and body every second of every day.
so the other day i was at the bookstore with my lovely girlfriend and i was in the new age section hoping to find some dazzling book that would magically change my life. a spirtual book, if you will.
and, i did.
it’s called being in love and it is a book created from interviews with the incredible indian spiritual teacher osho. check it out. so far, it speaks to me and i feel my rough edges slowly getting smoothed out.
anyway, this quote in particular popped out to me:
“love comes like a fresh, fragrant breeze into your home, fills it with freshness and fragrance, remains as long as existence allows it, and then moves out. you should not try to close all your doors, or the same fresh breeze will become absolutely stale.” - osho
it spoke to me because i have a knack for clinging on to people because i am afraid of losing them. i need to know how to love without the desperation to be loved.
great book so far..
so i changed my tumblr layout to make it easier to read since i plan on writing more about my personal life. yay! it feels much more organized :) now i can talk shit about my job and write melancholy PMS-fueled posts more easily.
on another note, 71 more days until boot camp!
if you want a good way to make yourself cry, watch military reunion videos, it’ll fuck your mascara up.