- (After being asked, “What are your plans today?”) “Nothing.”
Contrary to popular belief, “nothing” can actually mean “something.” Technically the homebody could’ve said, “I do have plans,” because doing absolutely nothing was in fact their itinerary. Lounging around lazily? Yeah, I penned that in my schedule weeks ago, and I’m currently knee deep in nothing, aka unavailable.
That’s complete silence, which is usually the response you get when you text or call a homebody with some kind of invitation that they don’t want to officially decline.
- “Hey what’s up? Sorry, I was sleeping when you texted/called me!”
This is the lie that follows the complete silence mentioned in the previous point. You’ll get this several hours after your initial attempt at contact, when the homebody is entirely certain that whatever you were inviting them to has ended, thus ensuring their safety from any peer pressure to attend.
- (After being invited out) “Maybe.”
Saying “Maybe” definitely means “no,” but see how disappointing and borderline rude “no” sounds? It’s like the least fun word in the dictionary, so it’s easier to handout maybes, which may give the inviter a glimmer of false hope and slight letdown when you don’t show, but they deserve it for daring to summon you out in public, right?
- (After toughing it out and staying at a social gathering for a good chunk of time) “Well, I think I’m going to take off.”
I’m going home to recharge the batteries my socialization capabilities run on, because they’re down to 20%, and every minute of interaction is further draining them.
- “Do you guys like it here or want to check out elsewhere?”
I hate it here. I hate this bar/club/place that isn’t home so much, but I don’t want to be the downer who points out how terrible/awful/not my home it is, so I’ll casually point out that there are other places in the world that aren’t this place and perhaps we should look into visiting one of them…or, you know, just call it a night.
- (After a concerned person asks if everything is OK) Laughter
As nice as it is to know that people care, it’s somewhat hilarious when people think you’re going through some type of life crisis because you choose to camp indoors on consecutive weekends. I mean, we spend all of this money on rent and decorate our place and buy nice things—is it shocking that a person wants to stay home and take advantage of the humble abode they’ve invested in?
- (When bailing on plans) “I’m so sorry, a bunch of things just came up!”
Netflix got new stuff—like, really good stuff.
- (After being invited out) “I would, but I can’t get ready in time.”
I’m wearing soft pants (or no pants at all) and my body is sprawled out on cushiony furniture. I’d have to wait for whatever I’m watching to end (1-120 minutes), muster up the energy to get off of aforementioned furniture (15-45 minutes), wash up/get dressed (45-120 minutes), and avoid being delayed again by the TV or internet on the way out (1-240 minutes).
- (When ordering food) “May I have two sets of utensils?”
All of this food is for me, but since it’s definitely an amount fit for 2+ humans and I’m self-conscious of my massive appetite, I’m going to overcompensate a bit. I’ll emphasize how important it is to have enough utensils, plates or napkins, because the nonexistent person I’m sharing these four entrees with would like a plastic fork as well.
- “I’m a people person.”
"I’m a peephole person.” As in, when the doorbell rings or someone knocks, the homebody will tiptoe over stealthily and look through the peephole to find out who dare visit their home unexpectedly.
- (When plans are canceled on a homebody) “Oh, it’s okay, we’ll get together next time.”
YES! YES! YES! THANK YOU GOD FOR SAVING ME, I’LL NEVER WILLINGLY AGREE TO PLANS AGAIN.
- “I need to get out this weekend.”
I need to go to a crowded social environment packed with humans and overpriced drinks to remind myself why I love staying home so much. It shouldn’t take longer than a few hours. I’ll complain by 10, regret it by 11, and be home by 12AM.
"Don’t ever feel bad for making a decision that upsets other people. You are not responsible for their happiness. You are responsible for your happiness."
"I love unmade beds. I love when people are drunk and crying and cannot be anything but honest in that moment. I love the look in people’s eyes when they realize they’re in love. I love the way people look when they first wake up and they’ve forgotten their surroundings. I love the gasp people take when their favorite character dies. I love when people close their eyes and drift to somewhere in the clouds. I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time. I fall in love with their breakdowns and their smeared makeup and their daydreams. Honesty is just too beautiful to ever put into words."
"How I will raise my kids."
1.) My daughter will never be taught that a boy being mean to her means that he likes her.
2.) My son will not be taught to make fun of a girl if he likes her. He will be taught to be nice to her and try to be her friend.
3.) My daughter will never be shamed for her body. She will never see me shaming MY body. A girl with a confident mother, has a good idea of what body positivity is at a young age. She will never see me shame another woman for what she looks like.
4.) I dare my son to call her fat or ugly. That thought should barely cross his mind. But if it does, he’ll keep his comments to himself.
5.) Sex will not be taboo. it will not be strange to talk about. They will understand it, how it works, and there bodies once they’re mature enough.
6.) My daughter will never feel less of a person for having sex. She will be taught to never let a comment like “slut” or “whore” keep her from doing a completely natural thing. She’ll understand that she can come to me when she is ready, and I will give her the protection she needs.
7.) If my son calls a girl a slut or treats a girl with less respect because of the amount of partners she has, he can say goodbye to all his friends and all his stuff became that just won’t be tolerated.
8.) Consent will be taught by the time they can walk. My daughter has the rights to her body. She can say “please don’t touch me” without being scared or uncomfortable. My son will be taught to always ask to hug a girl or touch a girl in any ways. Sexually or not, consent will be extremely important.
9.) My son and daughter will understand that depression runs in the family. That there is absolutely no shame in asking for help.
10.) yelling and hitting doesn’t solve anything. Yelling will be kept to a minimum and hitting is what cavemen do.
11.) if my son wants to do ballet, he can do ballet. If he wants to wear pink, sparkly shoes, he can wear pink, Sparkly shoes. If he hates pink and only likes monster trucks and wrestling, then that’s the coolest thing ever. He can be whoever he wants and that’s amazing.
12.) My daughter can play t-ball and she can wear her dads or brothers clothes. She can tell me she absolutely hates piano lessons and refuses to wear a dress on picture day. I won’t tell her she isn’t girly or feminine enough. I won’t tell her she looks like boy as if it’s a bad thing.
13.) Sexuality and gender expression is encouraged and nothing you are or choose to be regarding either is bad. If my son comes to me saying he’s Gay, I’ll hug him and say I’m proud. If my daughter comes home holding Susie Q’s hand, I’ll hug them both and say I’m proud. We will celebrate when they realize who they are. Straight and cisgendered included.
14.) They will be raised to be tolerant, but to stand up for what’s wrong. Other people having different opinions is okay. No matter how ridiculous it is. other religions are okay. No religion is okay. conservative opinions or liberal opinions are okay. It’s not okay when those opinions lead to wrong-doing and hateful comments.
15.) Neither of them are ever going to think that when a female has sex, she will get “loose.” They will have a complete understanding of the human body and how it works when they’re old enough. They will have correct and healthy sex and body education.*
"If you light a lamp for somebody, it will also brighten your own path."
"You are made
out of comets
Do not surround
yourself with those
that treat you like
dirt and dust."