also, i forgot to mention that i went through my entire tumblr and pretty much deleted almost 6000 posts and left only text posts and quotes that help me through everyday. i found my new years resolutions list that i typed up at the beginning of this year and basically it had a bunch of stuff like lose 15 pounds and stop cussing and while i did lose a pretty good amount of weight and i actually cuss more i realized those things are not as important as what i have planned now.
so with that said, i would like to revise my resolution list (because hey, there is still 5 months left in the year so shut your trap) and make this list only one bullet point long:
- to live life instead of survive it
i read this quote on another blog and it hits so close to home because i have been trying so hard to try and find myself and accept myself for who i am, and instead of being so scared of drowning in the ocean, i am going to learn to go with the flow of the waves, and maybe just maybe i will wash up on a shore that will make me happy.
you see what i did there?
yeeaaah i haven’t been writing so much lately because i have been so pre-occupied and busy with training for boot camp and stuff so my metaphors and analogies and all the other fancy literary tools i know how to use are a bit rusty.
i want to sit and type all day but i have nothing else to type about and i don’t want to sound cheesy and write poetry about my wife but for some reason she is the only thing in my mind right now that feels like serenity, because the rest of my mind is a chaotic clusterfuck!
day by day, i have been getting rid of things i don’t need anymore in an effort to simplify my life before i go out to boot camp. little things here and there, like old pay stubs or a broken camera. i really want it to be the bare minimum that i take with me wherever i go. i have sort ofbeen making an effort to simplify my life because supposedly i’ll be happier when i don’t have so much ‘stuff’ weighing me down. and it’s true. materialistic possessions don’t mean anything in the long run. and honestly, a roof over my head (while very convenient) isn’t that important, either. home can be a person.
for me, it is a person.
i have been living in carmen’s mom’s house for the past two months and it’s been rare to have a full night’s sleep where i haven’t been awakened by someone talking loudly or a screaming kid. but, it hasn’t really bothered me like i thought it would. i’m happy, i have had a smile on my face, and it’s because home isn’t really a location for me.. in fact, it’s her, she’s my home.
the number of days until i leave is steadily decreasing and as of tomorrow, it will be in the single digit countdown. i’m scared of the unknown and getting yelled at and doing push-ups until i throw up but it really is going to be a wonderful experience and something i need to do. i need to put my time in for my country and give back to the community like i was born to do and, more importantly, start creating a foundation that will support my bigger life goal of raising a family.
i trust that the path i have chosen to take will lead me to my purpose. it took me a while to really understand that and put my faith into that, but i have come a long way and for that, i am grateful.
Wanna know what it’s like to be in your 20’s? Take all the money you have, put it in a big pile and burn it then sit at home and cry. It’s literally the same thing.
(Source: badman300, via dreamer-or-doer)
going through my tumblr starting from the beginning and deleting everything that is useless. photos and stuff. not photos of me, of course, just photos from my initial tumblr fever.
i want to use this tumblr seriously as a journal so i’m *trying* to get rid of everything that isn’t a text post.
i’ve been spending some time getting rid of stuff i don’t want anymore so i figured i should clean out my tumblr, too.
let me tell you, while the mass editor tool is useful, i wish i could literally just delete posts months at a time instead of posts at a time. argh! so aggravated.
that weird and awkward moment where i am just minding my own business and it hits me that i’m married.
not in a bad way at all, though. just a sudden realization. it feels like just yesterday i was playing nintendo on my bunk bed that i shared with my little sister in my parents’ house. and now i am married.
wonder if this happens to anyone else?
the best thing i’ve read today:
"not sure how justifying your opinions by what’s written in the bible is any different than justifying them from what happened on star trek"
i personally think i give great advice and great insight on people’s problems and dilemmas and man i wish i could just take my own advice sometimes or convince myself that everything is going to be okay and not to panic. i mean i am super good at telling other people that, why can’t i believe it myself? why do i always have to overreact and panic and come up with the worst possible scenario, and the worst part is that when i get these negative thoughts i consistently try to fight them but my positive thoughts don’t shine through enough and i end up just getting frustrated and i cry and what am i doing, i am 23 years old and i still cry at least once a week, usually more. oh and it’s not like i have any real problems, i have a roof over my head and water and food, but my mind is a clusterfuck of emotions and i think i drive my wife crazy well i probably do, because i know i drive myself fucking insane… idk lately i have been so sad and moody and maybe it’s because i have boot camp soon and maybe it’s because i am PMSing or maybe it’s because i feel sad and misunderstood and alone.
i have always been like this and i have never wanted to change nothing more than my stupid stupid personality hang-ups and this one is just such a burden to me and my life and just everything.
/end pathetic and useless rant